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He says he loves me and finds me sexy, so why all the porn?

Dear Uncle Biblitz,

I found my husband looking at porn, and it hurts me... I dont get why he does it? Id like to start out saying that Im about 3 months pregnant and I have a horrible breakout of eczema almost all over my body. I dont like the way I look down there, I think my **** is too big.... honestly, I really dont feel as sexy or as attractive as I used to be. Its gotten me very insecure...

I found out my husband was looking at porn on my computer about a month ago. I asked him about it and he denied it at first but when I got more upset he admitted that he did. I told him how it hurts me when he does, he said he was sorry and that I shouldnt have to worry about it happening again unless we dont have sex for like a week or something. I forgave him because ever since Ive gotten pregnant I havent been as freaky as I was before, Ill admit that.. so I let it go- I trusted his word. Ive gotten my sex drive back a little though, we have sex almost everyday, I even try some days when it even hurts for me so I can please him.

Well yesterday I had to go to work and he had the day off. I come back and look in the history and there were a bunch of searches for porn and stuff. I was hurt... because it makes me feel ugly, I dont have a nice body, I feel like Im not good enough for him anymore...? I mean, we have sex almost everyday, I swear sometimes its 2 or 3 times a day!!! But it changes because Im pregnant and sometimes I dont feel like it one day because it hurts or Im too tired. He says he understands that Im pregnant... he told me before he never used to look at porn since weve started dating.. why now? Im crushed, I told him how it makes me feel. the first few times weve ever had sex.. he wouldnt even get turned on after I took my clothes off and he saw me naked and I would ask why and he would say he was sorry, that he did think I was beautiful and stuff but that he was used to watching porn.... I dont look nothing like those girls in the pics and videos.....

I feel so disgusting and ugly.. I cried. He says hes really sorry this time and he wont ever do it again, but how can I be so sure? I think its unfair how I try so hard to please him and give him more than he needs but he still does that behind my back and lies and tries to cover it up


Biblitz replies:

Do NOT fall into the trap of imagining this has anything at all to do with you! The porn industry is a lascivious business that eats up women and children worldwide. It's an effort to create a hungry legion of addicted obsessive-compulsive masturbators who will spend more and more money on this garbage. The Biblitz porn riff, including helpful links, will help you name why its presence in your home bothers you so much and how to talk about it with your husband in a way that compels him urgently to give it up. If he doesn't, you can expect to have to face the prospect of life with a skippy-whipping head case.

TinyTeaman

How can i tell if my husband is cheating on me?

ok for the past couple of months he has been really hateful with me. like getting mad at me over everything. also here lately hes been working 2nd shift were he works and when he started we agreed on him working 1st because that's the shift i work and we could just ride together. and then to day i got on the computer when i got home. well i looked at the history and found were he was two different porn sites of female boss fantasy. i don't want to just come out ask him until i know for sure but if i have to i will.

Biblitz replies:

Internet porn is most assuredly primarily intended as a source of disappointment/dissatisfaction to its follower addicts. This is precisely how the industry makes its money. Purveyors know what men will look at so they provide just enough to keep them in a constant state of frustration/longing. Interspersed with these images is plenty of subliminal messaging that this stuff is somehow healthy, that men have some kind of super-human sex drive (in fact, science shows women are MUCH more sexually driven and for much longer in life) that can only be satisfied by masturbating to the objectified images of their mothers, sisters, wives, lovers - images that are computer-enhanced and that rely on a steady and prolific stream of human sex trade often involving the kidnap and torture of children.

If this is the problem, well, good luck. Dumbo has bought into the world's biggest, most predatory industry and there's very little in the world to tell him why and how he's been duped. You'll have to voice your displeasure/concern and then decide whether you'll tolerate it. At least remind him, that each time he clicks on one of these sites, some pimp in Eastern Europe makes enough to consider the purchase of new victims.

TinyTeaman

Not A Love Story

A Film About Pornography

DVD

View a clip featuring a live-sex performer describing her mostly white male audience, chanting "Hurt her! Come on, hurt her!"
Not a Love Story looking up

A thought-provoking chronicle of the odyssey of two women, Bonnie (Sherr) Klein, the director of the film, and Lindalee Tracey, a stripper. Together they set out to explore the world of peep shows, strip joints and sex supermarkets. Both are motivated by the desire to know more about pornography - why it exists, the forms it takes, and how it affects relations between men and women. Not a Love Story offers insights and perspectives from men and women who earn their living in the porn trade, and from some of pornography's most outspoken critics. This film contains sexually explicit material that may be disturbing to some people. (From the NFB Web site accessed Oct. 29/09)

Men Confront Pornography

Hardcover
Edited by Michael S. Kimmel

More about NOMAS (National Organization of Men Against Sexism) and The Harmfulness of Pornography by Robert Brannon, accessed online Nov. 1/09.

Pornography is not just men looking. It is men producing images for men to consume. And consume it we do. In 1984, for example, 200 million issues of 800 different hard- and soft-core magazines were sold in the United States alone, generating over $750 million.

And most of the images produced by men to be consumed by men are images of women. ... I'd estimate that now male heterosexual pornography might compose 80 per cent of the market, with that for gay men constituting 15 per cent, and for women, the remaining five per cent. ...

... Men need to raise the issue, to examine the role of pornography in our lives. A lot is at stake. Although most pornographic images are of women, pornography is, at its heart, about men. It is about men's relationships with sexuality, with women, and with each other. It is about women as men want them to be, and about our own sexual selves as we would like them to be. Whether or not pornographic images determine our sexual behaviors, there is little doubt that these images depict men's fantasies about sexuality - both women's sexuality and our own. ...

Feminist writers such as Susan Brownmiller, Andrea Dworkin, Susan Griffin, Catharine MacKinnon, and Robin Morgan have also confronted the traditional liberal idea that pornography is protected by the First Amendment right of freedom os speech. Their argument is that pornography is not freedom of expression but itself a form of censorship: Pornography silences women, suppresses the voices of women's sexuality, constrains women's options, and maintains their subordination in a male-dominated world. We live, they argue, in a culture in which simulated (or real) rape, mutilation, torture, or even murder of a woman are routinely presented to men by men, with the intention (and effect) of making men experience desire, of turning men on, of eliciting erection. ...

If a man's freedom of speech requires the silencing of women, there is only partial freedom and surely no justice. Pornography "is not a celebration of sexual freedom," writes Susan Brownmiller, "it is a cynical exploitation of female sexual activity through the device of making all such activity, and consequently all females, 'dirty.'" Pornography is "designed," she continues, "to dehumanize women, to reduce the female to an object of sexual access, not to free sensuality from moralistic or parental inhibition." Pornograhy does not represent a liberating breath of free sexuality in the normally stale and fetid air of conservative censoriousness; it is only the sexualization of that traditional patriarchal world. Pornography is not rebellion; it is conformity to a sexist business-as-usual. (From Introduction: Guilty Pleasures, pgs. 1-15)

Steaming

VHS

An excellent British thing featuring an embarrassment of female riches as well as an opening song by Richard Harvey that set a few bras ablaze in the Biblitz domicile in 1985, I'm pleased to say. Today's young women are entirely too tolerant of all this boorish nonsense. They would do well to aim their stilleto heels at all the watchmen wanking at the wall as the vulgarians invade!