Biblitz delivers advise

Biblitz on Marriage - Sacrifice.


WELCOME!

Should I change my plan for school to accommodate a jealous wife?

Hey Leo,

Here is the situation--I married a wonderful French woman with a child, and since the French culture has always fascinated me, I had no objections at all when she said she wanted to go back to her home country because she missed her family. However, upon settling there, I quickly discovered finding work was much harder without a degree. I have already completed two years of college, and I told her that I'd go back to the states to finish the other two years of education and return upon completing my degree (returning to France every summer). She strongly opposes this, saying that she thinks I'm going to meet another girl and never come back again, and that if anything, she wants to come with me. I'm not too fond of that idea because firstly, we just moved her child back to France and she appears to be happy and making friends. Secondly (and MOST importantly), I remember my failing out of my first year of college because an ex girlfriend and I started having conflicts, and this seriously affected my ability to concentrate on my studies. I want to be 100% focused with no distractions--no worrying about her child and how I'm going to pay this bill or that bill for her, no squabbling due to women and their characteristic mood swings... nothing but the books.

My wife just can't agree with me. Is there a way to negotiate this?

Biblitz replies:

You'll have to find a tactful way of telling her to grow the heck up! Her jealous feelings whether rational or not are her own. You can't allow them to prevent you from taking steps necessary to earn a decent living. Explain that you will do everything you can w/i reason to confirm your commitment to her from a distance and o/w set her mind at ease while you're away studying. Surely, you might suggest, she would not want to be the bar against your chances for success, which will only benefit her in the long run. It's not the easiest proposition certainly but it's better than the alternative, which is unemployment and/or poverty in a country known as Europe's playground for the rich.

The other question is this: Has she somehow turned this thing around? Is it really that SHE doesn't trust herself to remain faithful while you're away studying? Is she one of those awful people who can't stand their own company for longer than five minutes? If so, again, this is her problem and now is as good a time as any to deal with it - a project for her while you're away, perhaps.

TinyTeaman




He says he'll leave me if I don't quit work to be with him!

Hey Leo, my man,

He'll leave me if I don't quit my job. He's retired and wants me to be retired so we can do things together. The thing is he's very controlling and we go everywhere together--to buy groceries, hardware, clothes etc. If he has to go to Home Depot to buy wood, he wants me to stop what I'm doing and go with him. I look to work as offering a place I can make my own decisions and be my own person. He's quite well off and has a house and good income (and I'll lose all that if he leaves because of an agreement), but I don't care about that stuff--I do want to be able to make decisions about my time and other things. He says I'm selfish and if I loved him I'd quit for him. I'm struggling with maybe I should just quit, but there's a gut feeling inside that says no. Any thoughts?

Biblitz replies:

I think you would be well advised to consult your own family law atty regarding division of assets if you choose to leave and what steps you might take TODAY right now this minute to protect yourself financially from Mr. Control, who seems to take a very paternal view of what should be an EQUAL! partnership. Yours isn't and it seems it never was. Sounds like the real attraction here is money. Fine. No shame in that. It's still too hard for women to acquire financial independence in this culture. Sad that he's abusing his financial power over you. So get some information to give you the full story on what's yours and what isn't and do so before you decide to let go of anything as difficult as a job is to replace.

It may be that this arrangement works mostly rather well for you. It may be a simple matter of drafting a new agreement that fully compensates you if you agree to give up working - maybe just for a test period of a year or a few months even. This sort of thing is the atty's daily bread and butter. Pursue the inquiry PRIVATELY! Don't even tell your best friend. It's always best to present these things as a fait accompli: 'I went to see an atty last week, who drafted an agmt for us to sign in the event that I decide to comply with your wishes and leave work - at least for awhile.' This way you tear him a new one but quietly and very professionally. Could you do that, do you think?

... One other concern here: Mr. Control is an emotional tyrant, a relationship alpha who's exercising control in areas of your life that should be exclusively yours. This is dangerous and, frankly, abusive. Are there any other dangerous manifestations of his efforts to control that require professional support/counselling?

TinyTeaman



Do you think seperate beds in a marriage causes conflict?

Hey Biblitz,

Me and hubs have been married 7+ years and realized withing the first year that we were not compatible bed partners. He snores, I hog covers and it makes for an awful night. So we just knocked down the wall to the next bedroom and made one huge room and put beds at either end of the room. We cuddle and have sex at least 4 times a week, but when I get sleepy I just go to my own bed. Any other couples like this? How does it work for you? I told a friend of mine about our sleeping arrangement and she seems to think it will lead to divorce. (She should know, lol on her third marriage) Seriously. It works for us. Does that seem weird? Now that we have a toddler, I don't want him to grow up thinking married people are supposed to sleep apart, we just have to in order to get a good night's sleep. He has a huge king sized bed too, so size of the bed isn't the problem.

Biblitz replies:

How pleasant to share the company of such a superior thinker and problem-solver! Good for you to be driven by a common-sense understanding that the expectation of sexual intimacy doesn't give anyone a right to keep the beloved sleep deprived! Isn't it a relief when one relies on sound reason and personal experience rather than the jaundiced view of an oppressed American sit-com writer to set the parameters of what sounds like a very solid primary relationship.

Cups up to you both.

Tootle-pip.

noMore90

prohibition011

First Ladies of the Poster

The Gold Collection

Paperback
By Laura Gold

"When, oh when, will they outlaw alcohol?" cries this temperance poster, voicing the unspoken words of the wife and mother. Covering her eyes in shame - as if that would prevent her children and the rest of the world from seeing her husband's sorry state - she asks him to give up his bottle. But even if he does, it won't be for long. (From the caption beside the poster by Chavannah in First Ladies of the Poster, The Gold Collection by Laura Gold, p. 36)

Tut-tut. Stick to it, my good man, like glue, says libertarian Biblitz. Strong drink and strong opinions, each in liberal measure!


... You'll never know how much I'd give if I could only win your love.








Pieces of the Sky

Featuring If I Could Only Win Your Love, an Emmylou Harris classic with Herb Pederson

Audio CD




Selected Poems II

Poems Selected and New

1976-1986
Paperback
By Margaret Atwood

Variations on the Word Sleep

I would like to watch you sleeping,
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun and three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the centre
of your dream, from the grief
at the centre. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again and become
again and become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
and that necessary

(-- p. 77)