Biblitz delivers advise

ASK Biblitz about Marital Sparring.


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Should I Divorce My Wife?

Hey Leo,

Me and my wife have been married for almost 3 years and we have been fighting everyday of it. (ok probably like 5 days we havent fought) but anyways is that normal. She cusses me and yells non stop and she keeps throwing the word divorce up. what do i do?

Biblitz replies:

Learning the fine art of expressing anger with a spouse requires patience, persistence and quite often professional advice. It's instructive that you omit the subject matter of your disputes. This suggests you are of the view that it's irrelevant. You could be right.

Next time she's angry, sit down calmly and listen. This is using body language to show her you're prepared to sit and listen calmly for as long as it takes - that you're willing to 'stand under,' so to speak. When she's finished, try saying something like, 'You're very angry/frustrated. Let me see if I've got it right. You're angry because (then paraphrase whatever it is you think she's said).' Stay with it, speaking calmly, until you've at least got some agreement about what the issue is. If she shouts, lower your voice even more. If she's unable to calm down, tell her you're going out for a short walk to allow her time to cool off and that you'll be pleased to discuss the matter further when she's calm when you return.

If you're able to persevere, suggest something like, 'The pattern we've developed for resolving what are probably pretty typical marital conflicts seems to be making us both unhappy, and neither of us seems to know how to break out of it. How would you feel about consulting a professional therapist/marriage counsellor? Some lucky people seem to know almost instinctively how to fight with one another without too much carnage, but most of us in this crazy culture of ours need help with it. I'd like to ask family doctor/pastor, etc. for a list of possibles. How would you feel about that?'

TinyTeaman

Do you think he wants to be with me? What do you honestly think?

My boyfriend and I were fighting a lot. I have some verbal abuse issues and control issues. When someone I love hurts me I will verbally abuse them to hurt them back which is not right. My boyfriend and I kept fighting and we took a break that turned into a breakup a few days ago. He has a drinking problem so we often would fight about that. We live together so it makes this hard. Today I packed my stuff and said I was leaving for good, but as I spent time away from him I realized that I love him so much t hat I want to try to make us work and that im not ready to just give up on us. I spent time thinking about how we can make things better.I ended up emailing him a very long email telling him I was sorry and how much I loved him and how I didnt want to give up on us. He emailed me back this:

wow

i know things are the way they are right now

i dont want to just give up im glad you eamiled me and we should talk about it maybe not tongiht but very very soon i love you im at fred's so srry for the short email im leaving to go to toronto right nowtalk to you soon.

Biblitz replies:

Sounds like a successful co-dependant relationship that will work as long as each of you continues to give yourself permission to behave badly. In fact, it's the bad behavior of each of you that gives the other 'permission' to continue along the path to hell. That's why you seem to 'need' each other so. You do in the worst way. The crunch will come only when one of you decides s/he's had enough toxicity. This will force the other to either 'man up' or seek a new partner willing to live the old, old toxic lie that everything's fine the way it is.

It isn't.

Get help. When you're fully centred within yourself, then you can think about a relationship.

TinyTeaman

We argue all the time. Any advice?

My boyfriend are so different in somany ways...our point of views are always different which causes to argue.? Sometimes I can't find one similarity we have...except that we really love each other. Any advise? And can anyone suggest a song for us. Thank you.

Biblitz replies:

Sounds like you have a good physical relationship, something that will no doubt fizzle in time, leaving not much else holding you two together. Several Beatles songs come to mind - Two of Us and Hello, Goodbye - both of which heralded the band's break-up.




... Against all odds, honey, we are the big door prize. We're gonna' spite our noses right offa' our faces. There won't be nothin' but big, ol' hearts dancing in our eyes!


In Spite of Ourselves

John Prine with Various Artists

Audio CD

Featuring the title track, a piece of crust Prine expectorated for a film while apparently in a state of high dudgeon. Prine and his colleague, Iris Dement, at least, are memorable.

Two from the Beatles to send skin-deep love on its way: