Biblitz delivers advise

ASK Biblitz about Marriage and Self-Esteem.

... 'If testosterone were beer, she estimates that a 9-year-old boy would get the equivalent of about a cup a day; by the time he turns 15, he's getting two gallons, setting in motion feelings of defiance, dominance, lust, invincibility, recklessness. ...'

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How can I be more like my self-assured husband?

Hey Leo,

My husband is the kind of guy who just doesn't care what people think or feel about him, he says my opinion is all that matters and he could care less what the rest of the world thinks. I on the other hand, always feel this pressure to live up to some kind of expectation, I put everyone before myself, I am constantly thinking and rethinking decisions Ive made, this Ive said, sometimes its so tiring ..and I cant stop. I am so concerned about what others think...sometimes Ill even re-think someones reaction and try to analyse what they were thinking about me and the situation.

My question is how do I move past this? Like I said it's so exhausting to be all worked up like this all the time... I sort of wish I could just turn it off and live a life without giving two craps.

Has anyone ever watched a tv show were someone was doing something embarrassing and felt just awful watching it? I sometimes actually take on the tv characters emotion as my own and cringe in my chair, or walk away...its so wierd!

Biblitz replies:

The dilemma you describe - and you won't like this - is a classic symptom of immaturity. You need to grow up - in a hurry if you're ever going to get a crack at the truly interesting problems. Sounds, too, like you don't have enough interesting/challenging work to wrench however painfully your viewpoint away from your dull self and over to the far more interesting and compelling (so far, anyway) world at large or at least some particular part of it in need of energy and attention.

Sing along with the great Peggy Lee to Pass Me By, music by Cy Coleman, lyrics by Carolyn Leigh. Follow the procession, as Virigina Woolf once described the parade of life. Keep in step, now!

Free advice: Turn off the idiot box, read books and magazines and take up the cause of someone other than you. The wisdom this will bring you will re-set your self-esteem clock so that you'll make sound decisions more thoughtfully. When this happens, you'll be less likely to waste the world's time second-guessing yourself and image-managing. (Ultimately, self-esteem is something you give YOURSELF. You may accept both flattery and criticism, trying to learn what you can from both, but it's a fool's game to be driven by it! Learn this lesson and no one will ever again threaten your sense of yourself and your worth.

Remember: The ultimate test of self-worth in the business world is the actual reward your contribution nets!


What to do when Bengali boyfriend's family are against his plan to marry me, a Caucasion woman?

Hey Biblitz,

I'm white and his parents want him to marry a girl in his Bengali culture. I need advice!? My boyfriend and i have been together for over two years, we've talked about marriage and even having children. But just last night he told me he talked to his parents about him and i getting married and they didn't approve of it. They want him to marry a girl of the same culture as him. And they think him marrying me would ruin their family! Even though we both know we want to marry each other some-day. Now i'm crushed and feel stupid for believing we ever had a future. I don't want to give up on us, but i also don't want to waste my time with someone i have no future with.What should i do? I've thought about converting to become Muslim before any of this happened, and i'm thinking maybe if i did his parents would approve of us being together and marrying each other one-day.

Biblitz replies:
The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon! Be off with you, whey-face, and take Watteau's Italian Comedians with you! A suitor unwilling to stand against family for the woman he loves is unworthy of his station and should be put down like the dog he is - egardless of culture! Too many women have suffered and died horrible deaths challenging such old world nonsense.

Unbelievable! You'd actually want to marry someone who is unwilling to go before his family to stick up for you and his right to choose a partner? Imagine what he'll be like if you have a real problem! Don't walk, RUN!


What helps you get over an ex?

any ideas? im having a hard time.

Biblitz replies:

You must find a new love, of course! invocation


A mature Biblitz, demonstrating in addition to a certain je ne sais quoi, that wonderfully liberating self-assurance that comes to men by way of the rather marvelous welcome a culture as resoundingly patriarchal as ours gives us along with, of course, a legion or two of loyal handmaids who do our bidding throughout our lives both at work and at home. It is any wonder we dig our hooves in to ensure we're still running things?

A few words about men:

It's a Guy Thing

Pity the poor woman who overestimates the size of a man's corpus callosum.

By Holly Brubach
Men's Fashion, Spring, 2010

The epic bouts of road rage, the narcolepsy after sex, the fanatical fixation on the Big East standings, the hunger for movies full of gunfire and explosions - finally, we get it. Brizendine fills us in on the male brain's larger areas devoted to muscular action, aggression and sex, formed before birth and modulated throughout life by an exquisitely calibrated blend of testosterone, M llerian inhibiting substance, androstenedione, vasopressin and other hormones that alter perceptions and lay the groundwork for specific behaviors.

Hormones, in Brizendine's (Louann Brizendine, M.D., author of The Male Brain) telling, seem to account for just about everything, leading the reader to wonder where biology leaves off and personal responsibility - to say nothing of blame begins. If testosterone were beer, she estimates that a 9-year-old boy would get the equivalent of about a cup a day; by the time he turns 15, he's getting two gallons, setting in motion feelings of defiance, dominance, lust, invincibility, recklessness and detachment. Teenage boys aren't feigning boredom just to be cool, she assures us. They are bored, because the adolescent male brain's pleasure center is practically numb to any stimulus that isn't cranked to the max. Victory and sex, however, deliver a rush as addictive as cocaine. ...

To the extent that the minds of men and women ever meet, the conditions would seem to be most favorable during andropause, when testosterone and vasopressin declines, and a man's estrogen and oxytocin potentially exert a stronger influence, increasing his capacity for empathy and intimacy. In Brizendine's words, "Hormonally the mature male brain is becoming more like the mature female brain" a prospect you guys will undoubtedly find alarming, though it gives your wives and girlfriends something to look forward to. ...

In what amounts to a companion volume, The Male Factor: The Unwritten Rules, Misperceptions, and Secret Beliefs of Men in the Workplace, by Shaunti Feldhahn, draws on neurological and psychological research as well as surveys and interviews she conducted with more than 3,000 men. Feldhahn attributes many of the differences in men's and women's behavior on the job to the corpus callosum, which connects the brain s right and left hemispheres. According to one study, it's 25 percent smaller in men, with more isolated gray matter, which facilitates compartmentalizing. In women, a greater concentration of white matter relays more thoughts across various areas of the brain and makes for more efficient multitasking.

Where men build a wall in their minds between 'work world' and 'personal world,' Feldhahn urges us to build one, too, if we want to get ahead. Men, she says, view emotion at the office as disruptive and irrational, owing to the male brain's predisposition to engage in a single activity, either thinking or feeling but not both at the same time. Women's brains permit us to think while we feel, but she stops short of suggesting that we try to convince you of that. Instead, she advises us to 'edit' our emotions. (From The New York Times Magazine, p. 84)