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Spouse gives me headaches?

Workout Routines and Exercises

I'm just venting but my spouse does give me headaches... I'm so stressed out and I think he should be the one to make me feel relaxed like everything will be OK... Why can't he do that?? Why does he put everything on me??? Yes, he does help out with the kids-- baths and even at dinner getting them to eat BUT everything else is on me.... I can't take it anymore..I need some fun, someone to make me laugh.. I get jealous when I see other relationships going strong-- it just bothers me... Why do I stick around, I have no idea except for the kids and the fact that he really isn't doing anything bad just no emotional, physical support. Just a blob.. Grrrrrrrrr What do people do in this situation besides having a drink at night.

Biblitz replies:



If you're truly tired of it, take your life back. Develop plans to be out after work several nights a week and present these nights as faits accomplis, explaining that it's a girl thing. If he breaks bad on you, sing along with Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, then biff off out the door. Go to the movies, take a class, visit a friend, walk in the park, go to the theatre - pursue the things you used to do btwn boyfriends, preferably activities that will put you back in the sphere of adult conversation. BUT when you leave him in charge, you must keep any and all criticism to yourself. If his cooking stinks, if the kids like it better the way mom does it, let him take the heat. Just don't criticize. If he asks how to perform some task or other, simply explain kindly as you would like him to explain something HE's esp good at to you.

All that's happened is that - surprise, surprise - you're burned out. The vessel is empty, so you must find ways to refill it - outside the relationship. Stop expecting your marriage to give you absolutely everything you need. It's unreasonable! You disappoint him, too, I'm sure. Don't go there. Just realize that no one person can be all things to another. Doesn't mean you need to have an affair, which only complicates matters, but you must once again remind yourself that you do not live by bread alone. Now, off you go to seek some nourishment. You'll be surprised how much pressure it will take off both of you. But remember to curb criticism. If you come home to a tornado of stuff everywhere and kids crying, support him while allowing him to take charge of the repairs.
TeaMan90
As you can see, you're the only one keeping you down, although this initiative does require a bit of practice - as did marriage initially, if you remember.

My husband is a teacher and his high school students are very beautiful. Should I be worried?

My husband is a history teacher and I know that he's very popular with his students. He's only 30, he's good looking, funny, charming and a very likable person. He's a high school teacher and most of his students are seniors making them 17-18. I went to a school gathering the other day and I noticed that most of his female students look very good, and they know it and flaunt it with their shirt skirts and cleavage. When we were at the event they came up to him and started talking to him like they were old friends I could even seance some flirting. That bothered me.

We have only been married 2 years and I'm 22 and they're younger than me and he teaches those students like all day, should I be worried, I know he's a teacher and they have ethical rules and everything but he's only a man. Should I be worried?

Biblitz replies:

Here in Banana Canada, there are really no ethical rules anymore governing teacher conduct. Teachers' unions have effectively contracted out of any but the most serious criticism (sexual misconduct - and even then only with overwhelming, incontrovertible evidence). Search the Quest scandal here. Disciplinary hearings are reported only as a matter of discretion, so it's quite common even for sexual predators to be re-hired in the same jurisdiction, sometimes even in the same district! There is no one representing the public interest here any more.

Today, teachers regale even elementary school kids with the details of their personal lives. Kids often know who is married, still single or divorced and dating, where they go on weekends, on holiday, all about their family lives ad nauseam. Teachers today reveal this stuff daily with impunity. Parents who complain about a teacher's conduct in the classroom are advised to take it up with the teacher as if it's merely a private matter. It's even looser in high school, as female Quest students discovered to their peril.

There are fewer and fewer boundaries these days protecting private from public life, and the inference kids quite logically draw at school is that they are somehow peers with their teachers, not vulnerable beneficiaries in a unique, super-privileged fiduciary relationship. It's quite a set-up and it's creating exactly the sort of problems you fear!

The reality, too, is that girls are maturing physically faster these days and everything in the culture to say nothing of hormones urges them to seek male sexual approval. With so many broken marriages and ltd access to dads, guys really come in for some serious scrutiny by the girls. A few guys know how to handle it, but yes, you should be worried. There are fewer and fewer warning bells for male teachers these days against exploiting the girls' desire for approval.
TeaMan90
A few years ago, a UBC psych prof was sued for sexual harassment after mtg with a student at his home over candlelight and so on. The law profs all looked at one another sheepishly and admitted that if students were verboten, none of them would be married! There are a LOT more watchdogs at colleges and unis than there are in public education, so, yes, worry and talk about it together a lot. He'd be well advised to develop an effective strategy to fend off advances - esp if he rejects a girl, who may respond to the slight with a complaint of sexual misconduct that could destroy his career and his reputation.

How can I forgive my mother?

I am 44, my mom is 70. Until about six years ago we got along fine but she said some very mean things about my husband so I haven't had any meaningful conversations with her since. I have seen her and my dad but only when required (family functions mostly). I think she is critical, judgmental, and can be really negative and I try to have only positive, supportive people in my life. Her birthday is coming up and she wants to spend it with me and my sister (who I also have issues with, lol) but I'm dreading it because of how unpleasant my mom can be. I just don't enjoy being around her and over the years I have remembered all the mean things she said or did to me that I can't seem to get past. How can I forgive my mother and improve our relationship? Thanks for any compassionate advice.

Biblitz replies:

Wow, have I got the movie for you - a French thing called Un Air de Famille. It's a study of family bullying taught by dysfunctional, angry parents to whelps, who continue the abuse with one another as adults. Interestingly, it begins with a birthday party. Wait'll you meet mom!



For the meantime, forget forgiveness and any of the not-always-so-well-meaning fools who advise it. You're not ready yet. There are too many issues you still need to discuss with a professional adviser before you can get there. Don't trouble friends or spouse about this, either. Keep it private. Friends and spouse are there to support your decisions regarding whether and how to interface with your family. You'll need these people, so don't burden them with baggage. Arrive at those decisions with a professional.

Right now, focus on doing mom and sis no harm. Accept only those invitations that allow you control to leave quickly and quietly if you begin to feel tense or uncomfortable in any way. Just go. Do this as often as required. They'll begin to get the message, which is that you are no longer willing to play the old game. Resist the urge to 'confess' to problem family members. By now, they've had plenty of time to establish a dysfunctional pattern that was created originally to deflect attention from the authentic cause of the dysfunction - usually one or both parents. It takes years of practice to recognize the sick patterns and head them off w/o accepting fallout - years. Life lessons are hard to learn b/c these confrontations parachute us back to vulnerable times in childhood when these crazy-making roles are first ascribed. When you debrief fully on your past, you'll no doubt discover that these hurtful decisions were made for reasons of survival that are no longer relevant. Unfortunately, you're the only one who can stop the game and you can only stop it for you. Siblings may prefer to continue playing rather than confront the pain of revelations - and it is both painful and frightening.

The other disappointment on the horizon is that your revelations post-debriefing won't be news to mom, who was a grown-up when all this nonsense began. The most you can hope for is to understand some of the issues motivating mom's poor parenting decisions. Even if you are able to recognize a sick pattern and you tell her, 'Mom, your assessment of me/my ability to -------- is as wrong today as it was when I was nine and it hurts me when you repeat the insult as if it's some kind of mantra.' Sadly, it would be an unusual mom who received the info at 70 as if for the first time with an apology and a promise to do better. It rarely, if ever, works that way! If you're fast and careful you may be able to avoid conflict with 'I'm uncomfortable talking about this,' at which point, if mom presses anyway, you get up and leave.

As you can see, way before forgiveness, there must first be some understanding of the nature and cause of dysfunction as well as the effect it's had on you and siblings. Most of us are only able to arrive at this in the absence of family perpetrators. You might wish to decline quite a few invitations while you work it out. Be warned, of course: the dysfunctional family will be angry with you for avoiding and they'll probably up the ante in all the usual ways in an effort to bring you back into the game in the role you were given all those years ago. Resist! And as Billie Holiday famously put it, don't explain.



The good news: You already have a good, strong sense that boundaries are required. They are! You will have say good-bye to the family you never had and determine whether there's enough sustenance left to continue the relationship(s). Sometimes there just isn't.
TeaMan90
The question: whether you believe you are worthy of respecting those boundaries to keep yourself safe and happy.

swing

Fragonard's The Swing a la Biblitz. Biblitz falls to the ground in an exchausted heap, having regaled his delighted better half for the better part of the afternoon with tremendous shoves punctuated occasionally by a neat trick known as the 'underduck,' in which shover must trust swinger to refrain from taking potshots, which are easily rendered from swinger's vantage point post-shove. Madam, yielding to temptation, has knocked Biblitz for a loop but lost her shoe in the bargain! Ho! Nor will wallow about in the shrubbery to retrieve it. Fie, madam!

Stepdaughter wants to move in with her dad and me?

My stepdaughter will be 12 in August and she has been wanting to move in with her dad for the last two years. I know that we are going to have to go to court this summer because her mom keeps telling her that "the courts will never let you live with your dad"(personally i think she is wrong for saying that to an 11 year old little girl just cause she is closer to her dad). Really the only thing that can be used against my husband is that with his job we move every two years or so. And there really isn't anything that her mom has done wrong. My stepdaughter just wants to live with her dad. We live in NC and there is no set age when a child can pick which parent; its more or less left up to what the judge thinks. My question is: is the fact that she will be 12, and that she just prefers her dad to her mom enough to sway a judge to let her move in with us. Oh by the way, i have another stepdaughter that is 8 and she wants to stay with her mom; will that matter to the judge?

Biblitz replies:

Without mom's agreement, it's unlikely, in my view, unless child's preference suggests she's in some kind of danger with mom. Is that the case here? Judge will probably infer probably correctly that pre-teen in the throes of hormones wishes to escape 'authoritarian' mom in favor of 'libertarian' dad. Thing is, there is some wisdom in this.

Women understand better than anyone that the habit of misogyny is entrenched in the culture and, alas, mothers are invariably harder on daughters than sons. The culture expects so much more of girls and women. Look at all the roles they play v. one- or two-demensional guys. Mom's job is to explain all this in a way that makes it somehow palatable, and some moms are better at this than others. At 12, kid has a glimpse of the waiting vortex and understandably seeks escape.



So those are the prejudices, anyway. How to overcome them and effect the change: There's nothing better than the well-articulated willingness of dad and stepmom to welcome whelp, esp if they've taken the time and trouble to show their home is ready to accommodate her physically - she has a place to sleep and study - and emotionally - they've actively sought replacement school, hobby groups, etc. to minimize disruption. A good working relationship with the mother is even better! If it looks as if cool heads have considered and discussed the prospect at length, the switch is more likely to succeed. Even better if mom is on board!

Both of you must talk to the kid and get her to describe at least three tangible differences in her life now v. how it will be with you. For example, if she has her own room at your place in addition to full access to pop, that's a plus. Are there other advantages? More is better. It's likely, too, that she'll provide a good bridge to welcome her sister when she visits. That's a plus. The confidence and clarity with which she is able to describe this will be very convincing as long as it looks as if you and pop are truly ready, willing and able both to parent whelp and to keep communications open with the mom, who must be going quite mad. It would be an act of great faith if you reiterated to the judge that whelp's decision is in no way a judgment against mom, who will feel very judged - and who will be, let's face it.

What you want at the end of the day is for whelp to know both parents want her enough to fight for her if necessary. There is no higher compliment in this carnival of carnivals. If you lose, at least she'll see you both made a best effort.
TeaMan90
Do consult a family counselor, too, to discuss the impact the new living arrangement would have on your family. If you can show the judge you've done your best to anticipate problems, s/he'll be inclined to listen.

My child's mother has left her with her parents while she moved out of state. What can I do?

i live in illinois and my childs mother moved out of state about 11 months ago to live with her boyfriend in florida. she comes back to go to court but in the meantime my child lives with her mothers parents....what can i legally do? can i keep her until her mother comes back and return her only to her mother? the situation is ridiculous. should i call dcfc and tell them the issue and have them make file something about her mother abandoning her? thanks for any help!

Biblitz replies:
TeaMan90
You call the parents and tell them you'll come by to pick up the child (name a day and time). If there's any fuss, explain that if they refuse to relinquish the child, you'll take recourse to the police, who will charge them with kidnapping (see child custody), a very serious offense. You then take child home and call a good family law atty, who will record the information and have a very easy time indeed obtaining sole custody of the child on your behalf! Sometimes it's that simple! Horrible woman who would leave a child to go and be with a new BF! Ghastly! Although I 'm told the cold blasting Illinois wind can make a person pretty nuts. I confess I loathe and despise the prairie. One must be made of sterner stuff than Biblitz to withstand such vicious geography! My sympathies to all concerned.

In spite of education, great job, my deepest desire is to be a homemaker?

sheep

I could use some advice - from men or women. I am sorry if this is long, but I appreciate your honest/thoughtful opinions (but please- no rude unnecessary insults). I am the daughter of a brilliant business woman - this is no exaggeration; she is brilliant. I am hard working and went to some great schools and got my Master's in Engineering with top honors. I am proud of the hard work I put into my degrees, but I am not at all proud of how I only pursued it because I was constantly being pushed into it by my Mom - who told me I would fail at life without it.

The bottom line is-my deepest desire is to be a stay at home wife/mom. I love everything domestic- from grocery shopping, coupon clipping, making meals from scratch, home repairs, crafts, sewing, preserving- I could go on and on. I am actually really good at these things and completely enjoy it.

I feel so unsatisfied and exhausted at work- I feel like I constantly have to be "one of the guys" in a male dominated firm- like I have to play down my femininity (no this isn't in my head- I have even heard my coworkers talk behind my back about "having my period" and "oh Lynn will probably have a breakdown and cry in the bathroom after the big meeting because she is a woman"). I work constantly- not because I have to, but because I need to keep up with the boys club. Even now as I write this on my lunchbreak I am just constantly looking over my shoulder, terrified someone will find me out and announce," Lynn is a wannabe Betty Crocker- get rid of her".

Although my husband always praises me at how great I am at keeping up the home, how I make the great meals, and keep the house up - I have not told him my desires to be a stay at home wife and hopefully mom. This makes me feel even more guilty- because I love him and share everything with him, I feel like I am hiding something. We have a great marriage, he is the love of my life but I feel like I am cheating him by not being truthful about how exhausted I am at work and how much I love taking care of him and the home instead. Whenever I get the courage to tell him how happy I am at home and how I can't see myself having a child and dropping it off to daycare (we decided we want to try and have a baby)- I hear my Mom's voice in my head about how housewives are esentially lazy and without a career I am nothing. I feel like my education would be a waste- I should be happy to have a job when people are struggling with this economy, right? I can't tell you how many people I see at the soup kitchen I volunteer at and how it breaks my heart at how badly they wished they had had a chance at an education like mine. Does anyone else out there have this dilemma? Am I crazy?
Workout Routines and Exercises
Biblitz replies:

Keep talking with spouse about how you want to stop working to be home with child at least until s/he's in school full-time. Make certain sure you're both on the same page. If he's insecure at work and prefers the insurance of two incomes, you'll have to either sway him to your way of thinking or you should postpone pregnancy. Total agmt and commitment on the early days of parenthood is crucial to the success of both parenting and indeed the marriage. Say it ALL out loud well before you whelp b/c childbirth creates an earthquake in the family. Unless you're tightly knit, believe me, you'll unravel.

Sounds like you hate your job, which sounds great at a cocktail party but not as great when you're sitting in mtgs with the boys, who are probably just as obnoxious to one another - unless there's a gay thing at work and they're trying to bully you out of the door so they can hire their pals. This is more common than you might think!

If you're honest and you follow your heart, the toughest thing for you will no doubt be the denigration you probably will experience from sister women, who have also learned the same habit of misogyny, I'm afraid. As long as you realize that each month you're away from the workplace, your professional value declines by a two-digit percentage point - as long as you fully, FULLY appreciate that there are NO cookies anywhere in the culture for women who 'stay at home,' despite the MANY, many rewards it provides to the child, the family, the culture - as long as you know all this going in, it may not broadside quite as much when you feel yourself disappearing. And you will disappear. All kinds of people - men and women - will lose interest in you because you're no longer in 'the proving ground.'

On the other hand, motherhood frontline done well is a complex, multi-disciplinary miracle of fulfillment that quite often puts you in touch with the closest friends and colleagues you'll ever have - other mothers.
TeaMan90
How shameful it is to be part of a culture that so devalues this type of work and those who do it!