ASK Biblitz about Women.

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Why is he crying again, did I do something wrong?

Hey Leo,

Hi, my 19 year old best guy friend was recently cheated on and dumped by his 20 year old girlfriend. I am also 34, this guy is actually a neighbor of mine. He's been so miserable and depressed lately. He always carries a picture of her around everywhere he goes in his wallet, and he cries almost all the time. I tried helping him in every way so this was only as a last resort: I said let's have sex. I know this sounds really dumb and almost unbelievable, but I really felt that this was the only way to help him get over her. He said okay so I went on top of him and started. It was okay for a minute or two, but then he started to cry again and hugged me tightly and said, "Please don't let me go." Afterwards, he said he felt a lot better and thanked me, but I feel like I did something wrong. Did I do anything wrong? Do you think this will help him? I really hope that I didn't screw this up. And the reason why I feel so guilty is because he grew up knowing me as his hot neighbor. We are like aunt an nephew. I feel like I helped him, but maybe in the wrong way?

Biblitz replies:

I think it's really sad when a woman in a position of respect/power finds that the only nourishment in her cupboard when comfort is sought is sex. It tells me the patriarchal porn industry that sees women only as sex objects for (mostly white) men took another prisoner!

You feel guilty b/c you know you exploited sexually the vulnerable beneficiary in a fiduciary-like trust relationship. You deliberately violated someone to whom you owed an obligation to be squeaky clean. The good news is you seem to understand you violated this guy and that it was wrong. You'll now have to end at least that part of the relationship, apologize for it, explain that it was wrong of you to misuse your position and him in that way and assure him that he was in no way at fault, that he had every right to expect you to behave like a wise owl and not a pongy old alleycat so desperate for ego gratification that she'll cross any social boundary/hurt anyone at all w/o compunction to get it. If you do this sincerely, you may be able to recover the relationship but do so ONLY if you're clear in your own mind that what you did was very, very wrong and that it will never happen again. If you can't do this, stay away from this guy!

What is it exactly that she's telling me about her 'emotions'?

I need a new way to view emotions. I have a bad relationship with emotions but have grown to have a love-hate relationship with them. I realize their value and am pretty in touch with my own emotions. However I do not want my own emotions to control me. I'm good with that. However this is causing a problem with my marriage. My wife is pretty emotional, though she's not overly emotional or dramatic. She does however place a much higher importance on her emotions than I place on emotions in general, and needs me to place more importance on her emotion than I currently do. My resistance to the whole thing is that I see what she is asking me to do as giving my control over to her emotions. (I'm sure she would state it differently.) She says that I need a new way to look at it than in terms of control. How should I be looking at it? I do place importance on her emotions and do my best to comfort her, reassure her, support her, but I don't want to be 'swept up' in the strong emotional situations. I guess I do see strong emotions often having negative effects and try to steer clear of those. Am I being too cautious/scared? What's a better way to look at it other than control? Thanks much!

Biblitz replies:

... Too much info omitted here. What is the substance of all these strong emotions in danger of sweeping you away? What exactly is upsetting/moving her? Are you listening to her when she raises an issue/conflict and paraphrasing what she says to indicate you at least 'stand under' understand? If you don't, like any of us, she'll probably up the ante/volume and continue to DEMONSTRATE her feelings. The only way to make this stop is to acknowledge them. You don't have to resolve them. That's her job. Her mission is to negotiate openly and honestly with you whatever change she believes is required. You're not required to comply in every case, certainly, but you are required to listen.

If it's your emotional make-up she's challenging, put a quiet zig-zag in your think bubble and remind her that while you occasionally enjoy the benefits of her passionate nature that there must be something about your own quiet responses to life's fandango she once found fascinating. Sing a verse or two of All Creatures Great and Small while she ruminates over this. These truly are the things that try a man's soul.

... All things bright and beautiful, the Lord God made 'em all....

Should I listen to my mom?

So I was in the living room watching tv and my mom was like "you need to turn it off and go outside and do something!" because I like never go outside anymore:) so should I go to my room in spite of her or should I really go outside?

Biblitz replies:

Go for a walk. Mom wants to be alone for awhile but it's very, very difficult for women to say so, esp to whelp(s). Give her some space. Do unto others .... etc.

Tapestry of Dreams

Charles Aznavour

Audio CD

Featuring She, one of the greatest contemporary tributes to women which some of them actually deserve.

She

By Charles Aznavour

She
May be the face I can't forget
A trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day.

She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell

She Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She may be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and where for I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and rainy years
Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She, she, she

Sing along with Biblitz and the whining baseball caps on this hymn probably inspired by the poet, Sam Coleridge!