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Is this love?

Hey Leo,

He is 30 and I am 25. We dated last year for about 4 months... he just had gotten out of a 10 year relationship (he was married to her, too, and she left him), he thought he was ready for another relationship and realized he wasn't. He told me he loved me. Things were great then I saw she was still calling him, he became distant, etc. Then he broke up with me new years eve last year and broke my heart. I chased him for about 6 months... begging for him back, going out to be his booty call hoping for more only to be told he didn't want a relationship, telling myself I didn't need him, etc. It was a lot of pain and I eventually gave up... I told him I wanted to talk and wanted to end it for good. Well, that didn't work out the way I planned. We clicked again. We hung out and 3 months later he told me he has his life straightened out, the divorce, and is ready for me. We have been together 6 months now. We have a trip planned for May and he talks about "doing things" in the future, even though they are trivial sometimes, it still means he is thinking we'll be together for awhile.

Well, about 2 months ago I told him I love him. After all we have been through, I do. I love him to death and I told him I can't ever see myself with anyone else. He told me he can't tell me he loves me. I asked why he did last year but can't now? He said things were different then. He is sorry and his actions should speak louder than his words. His heart has been broken so many times when he opens it up, that it just stays closed now - he wishes I could understand, etc. He can't say if he'll ever be able to tell me that. I know this means he probably isn't in love with me... and its a way for him to say that without making me run the other direction, but shouldn't he be able to say he loves me after all we have been through? I'm scared if he can't feel it now, he'll never feel it.

He started kissing me less, never texts me first anymore and if I don't text or call him, we'll go a few days without talking. We do still hang out all the time, I spend weekends at his place and he is sweet to me, tickles me and jokes around, looks into my eyes and winks, takes me with his family and friends, etc. I guess I'm just scared I'm wasting my time. He is 30 though - I doubt he would be "with" a girl he didn't possibly see a future with (I know he wants kids someday, etc.) I've already talked to him about his feelings before (see above) What should I do/what do you all think?

Biblitz replies:

It is, frankly, embarrassing to read how a young woman with her life ahead of her has actually begged (begged!) some lothario to come back no matter what triple shyte he intends to dish out! Why? Have you no pride, one wonders, and if not, why not? (See Why can't I be more like my self-assured husband?) Is there any way this sort of imbalance will NOT end in tears? By hurling yourself at this cad who is ALREADY at 30 divorced, you have shown him that anything he does is fine with you as long as he's somehow with you. How will you ever be able to negotiate what you need and want in a relationship with this sort of dynamic? Clearly, he uses you to show family and friends how much he's wanted no matter what rejection by ex might have suggested. Unless you're in a hurry to be part of his next train wreck, step back for awhile and consider the implications of hooking up with someone who admittedly does not love you! And these are EARLY days! Step back and ask him for something you'd like and see how he responds. Impose no deadline. Your happiness, I'm afraid, is not much of a priority to this character. Test him!

Is looking at pornography (models of 18+ years) in Wisconsin illegal?

Hi, just a quick question. I have a report to do about laws in WI. I was wondering if it is illegal to look at pornography on the internet if the models in the pictures are over the age of 18? Is the porn considered illegal or only if it is child porn(17 and younger)?

Biblitz replies:

How could you possibly know whether these so-called models were not computer-enhanced images of victim recruits in the global sex-slave trade authorities worldwide feel powerless to control?!


.. What a strangely worded question, too. As if the age or anything else about the victim matters in the least to an industry pandering to mindless masturbators content to slosh away over the image of a a reduced, humiliated woman. Could anything at all make this somehow OK?

Am I being selfish by presenting myself inauthentically online?

i have no luck in finding a lasting relationship in real life.I have no problem attracting guys but they end up loosing interest in me after the second date.My longest relationship was 3 months. I am currently single and i i live alone.I do have friends but i have been feeling lonely so i decided to go online to find someone to shat with.i started talking to this guy but i lied to him about who i am and i even send him fake pics. Things progressed further than what i thought they would so we have been talking every night for hours.



He actually keeps me company since i live alone. However, i haven't had any courage to come clean to him because i fear that he would stop talking to me.He always tells me how much he loves me so i feel wanted and loved. He goes on webcam for me and we did voice chat on yahoo messager.He is very shy so he was always nervous to talk. what should i do?

Biblitz replies:

There is no relationship here to drop or I'd suggest doing so. Do, however, cease and desist this fakery, which gets you nowhere. What you must do is focus. What are you looking for in a mate? Get this down on paper. What qualities MUST a mate possess? Once you've got a character study, ask yourself who would likely possess those qualities and where would he be likely to gather? What would his hobbies be? Women pooh-pooh this suggestion but Biblitz knows: LOTS of interesting gentlemen - professionals usually as it's expensive - pursue the harmless pleasure of model railroading. Visit a railway society mtg in your city and see who you run into. If you can't find it easily, visit a hobby shop or two. These guys know. Look around and consider the interesting mini vistas you might create in the off-hours with pals who come and share expertise in laying track, which is trickier than it might seem, believe you me. Sounds at the very least like you've got to start thinking outside your narrow little purview, which is too limited. Expand your horizons when you're clearer on what it is you're looking for. And remember: No one partner can be all things to another. We are mere mortals. This is why we have the world.

There's usually so much posturing going on in the course of true love that turtle doves are often at a loss to find one another. Happily, there are a few simple tests one might apply to fair lady to see if she's a goer. Read on!

Uncle Dynamite

Hardcover

By P.G. Wodehouse

"Well, I'll tell you," said Lord Ickenham, feeling his way carefully. "I can see she's a remarkable girl, but I wouldn't say she was the wife for you."

"Why not?"

"In my opinion you will be giving away too much weight. Have you studied those features? That chin is a determined chin. Those eyes are flashing eyes."

"What's the matter with flashing eyes?"

"Dashed unpleasant things to have about the home. To cope with flashing eyes, you have to be a man of steel and ginger. Are you a man of steel and ginger? No. You're like me, a gentle coffee-caddie."

"A how much?"

"By a coffee-caddie I mean a man - and there is no higher type - whose instinct it is to carry his wife's breakfast up to her room on a tray each morning and bill and coo with her as she wades into it. And what the coffee-caddie needs is not a female novelist with a firm chin and flashing eyes, but a jolly little soul who, when he bills, will herself bill like billy-o, and who will be right there with bells on when he starts to coo. The advice I give to every young man starting out to seek a life partner is to find a girl whom he can tickle. Can you see yourself tickling Hermione Bostock? She would draw herself to her full height and say 'Sir!' The ideal wife for you, of course, would have been Sally Painter." (--p. 23)

Here's why, at least in part, so many women lack the confidence to demand even basic equality in a romantic relationship:

The New York Times Magazine

Why Women's Rights Are the Cause of Our Time

In many parts of the world, women are routinely beaten, raped or sold into prostitution. They are denied access to medical care, education and economic and political power. Changing that could change everything.

By Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn
Aug. 23/09

In the 19th century, the paramount moral challenge was slavery. In the 20th century, it was totalitarianism. In this century, it is the brutality inflicted on so many women and girls around the globe: sex trafficking, acid attacks, bride burnings and mass rape.

Yet if the injustices that women in poor countries suffer are of paramount importance, in an economic and geopolitical sense the opportunity they represent is even greater. "Women hold up half the sky," in the words of a Chinese saying, yet that's mostly an aspiration: in a large slice of the world, girls are uneducated and women marginalized, and it's not an accident that those same countries are disproportionately mired in poverty and riven by fundamentalism and chaos. There's a growing recognition among everyone from the World Bank to the U.S. military s Joint Chiefs of Staff to aid organizations like CARE that focusing on women and girls is the most effective way to fight global poverty and extremism. That's why foreign aid is increasingly directed to women. The world is awakening to a powerful truth: Women and girls aren't the problem; they're the solution. ...

The global statistics on the abuse of girls are numbing. It appears that more girls and women are now missing from the planet, precisely because they are female, than men were killed on the battlefield in all the wars of the 20th century. The number of victims of this routine "gendercide" far exceeds the number of people who were slaughtered in all the genocides of the 20th century.



For those women who live, mistreatment is sometimes shockingly brutal. If you re reading this article, the phrase "gender discrimination" might conjure thoughts of unequal pay, underfinanced sports teams or unwanted touching from a boss. In the developing world, meanwhile, millions of women and girls are actually enslaved. While a precise number is hard to pin down, the International Labor Organization, a U.N. agency, estimates that at any one time there are 12.3 million people engaged in forced labor of all kinds, including sexual servitude. In Asia alone about one million children working in the sex trade are held in conditions indistinguishable from slavery, according to a U.N. report. Girls and women are locked in brothels and beaten if they resist, fed just enough to be kept alive and often sedated with drugs to pacify them and often to cultivate addiction. India probably has more modern slaves than any other country.

Another huge burden for women in poor countries is maternal mortality, with one woman dying in childbirth around the world every minute. In the West African country Niger, a woman stands a one-in-seven chance of dying in childbirth at some point in her life. (These statistics are all somewhat dubious, because maternal mortality isn't considered significant enough to require good data collection.) For all of India s shiny new high-rises, a woman there still has a 1-in-70 lifetime chance of dying in childbirth. In contrast, the lifetime risk in the United States is 1 in 4,800; in Ireland, it is 1 in 47,600. The reason for the gap is not that we don't know how to save lives of women in poor countries. It's simply that poor, uneducated women in Africa and Asia have never been a priority either in their own countries or to donor nations. (-- pgs. 28-33)