Biblitz delivers advise

ASK Biblitz about Family.


WELCOME!

Do you think I should give my family my new contact information when I move?

Help me, Leo,

I'm moving at the end of the month and I really don't get along with my family at all these days. Last time I saw them there was a major blow-out and I literally had to ask ask them to leave and, to be quite honest with you, I'm not sure if I'll ever talk to them again.

This all stems from some issues I've had and their perception of things, closed-mindedness and denial. I literally can't even finish a sentence without one of them getting defensive or cutting me off. It's like talking to a brick wall so why even bother? So should I even bother?

I know they're my family and they love me and everything, but I refuse to put up with this crap, and I hate it when they think I'm full of it like they think I am lying.

Biblitz replies:

NO! When you move at month's end, make a clean break. A cooling-off period may improve relations. Make it open-ended but stick to your guns like gllue.

It sounds as if you're working through some major issues that might have devastating consequences in your life if you're interrupted or bullied in your efforts. Very smart of you to remove obstacles in your path and family, I'm afraid, is often a major obstacle. Too often, they prefer to marry a lie and will resist any challenge even when it hurts both you, the family member and themselves to do so. They are also often of the view that family somehow requires a much lower standard of conduct and conversation as if they were in the smoking room of the Drones club, where the boys like to cut up rough occasionally and swing from the chandelier. Really the reverse is true. One should treat family at least as well as everyone else.

For some reason, the hot and weary work of interior development is most often done alone and w/o support of those from whom one might have expected some loyalty. Sometimes, alas, that realization is itself the substance of the work. At the conclusion, you may be required to forge new and rather guarded relations with family if the relationships are to continue at all. Sometimes they don't and it's OK.

TinyTeaman

How should I deal with a mother who enters my home without permission, cleans and, in fact, purges the premises of important documents?

Hey Leo,


My mom used her emergency key to get in, and spent the day while I was at work (she asked me when I was working, and I told her i worked from 8 in the morning at place one until 4 in the morning at place two) to clean my apartment. I got really mad at her when she came over the next day (I cancelled my sunday shift, and I caught her at my apartment when she let herself in) we had a fight, I asked for my key back, and she left. She threw out a whole bunch of my legal documents from school, registration info and stuff, because they were not in a safe place, and I've since recovered some of them...in my shredder (I can tell what they were from the paper colour and stuff) . We've been fighting now all weekend. How can I get her to see my way works for me, and that my space is my space, not hers, and she needs to respect that? No one else seems to understand me, a nd they all say "why can't you be greatful" or "You are overreacting....all she did was clean up." Was I overreacting? How can I get her to understand what she did was wrong and has really messed me up? She also unplugged my computer when she swept underneath the desk I use, and I've somehow lost a whole bunch of my college assignments.... YIKES! How can I stop fighting with my mom?!

Biblitz replies:

Don't know if you CAN stop fighting with mom about this unless you accept her failure to appreciate that what she did was a clear violation of an important social boundary and that her 'tidying' may have long-term consequences on your school work and, alas, career. These worries and the efforts required to recover the losses mom caused trump the possibility of any hurt feelings. You must do whatever is required to get your key back and NEVER! relinquish it again unless she demonstrably changes her view of what she did.

Frankly, one wonders if this wasn't some sort of jealous tirade, an effort to sabbotage you in your superwoman successes. ... Sounds like this is occasionally a somewhat toxic relationship. The old cultural habit of misogyny, sadly, poisons many women against one another, most notably w/i family. All you can do when this happens is mitigate: get your keys, limit visits and learn to evade topics and issues likely to be contentious. Absenting yourself entirely for a cooling-off period may also yield improved relations, tho it's a fairly common tactic to bully the victim by seeking familial support in number. Watch out for this and refuse to play.

You have no reason to account for your housekeeping to anyone but you. As long as cleanliness is not imperiling yourself or neighbors, you're free to live as you like.

There's a South Park song one finds onself humming on reading these facts ... 'Kyle's mom is a big, fat ..... hmmmmm, hmmm ....'

TinyTeaman
bitterBeer

This tough customer, someone's husband or brother, no doubt, likes to cut up a bit rough as if he's in the smoking room of the Drones club. You wouldn't blame the gentler souls among his family members if they did not include him in the festivities celebrating the happy news of Biblitz's birth.

... You're right from your side and I'm right from mine. We're both just one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind.

A song to celebrate Moms Without Boundaries: