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How do I respond to his request and inform children with minimal injury?

Dear Biblitz,

I posted this earlier but left out some major details: we do not have kids together, his grandad just passed away, he has MS, we have talked in person, he is considering counseling, he hasn't taken down any pics of us, changed his statuses, asked for house keys back, didn't want me to take my things from his house, told me that in his heart he wants an us, has even posted to everyone that he is trying to find his way, is not talking to anyone else or emailing anyone else, so no affairs.

He wrote:

'Hey princess, we both know something is missing and like I have told you its from my end. Nothing that you have done or said or didn't say. I do think that going back to friends right now is the best thing. I know thats not what you wanted to hear and not something that I wanted to say but its my feelings. We both agreed that if either one of wanted this that we would do it. Easier said than done but your still my best friend and thats not going to change. I still want and need you in my life understand that please. My love for you is still there and maybe when I get what ever it is worked out we can try this again. You and the kids mean the world to me and I know this is going to hurt them too but I would rather them see us this way than not together at all. I still want you to go with me to Vegas and to Disney but if either is something you can't do just let me know and I will give you your money back on those but I want you to go. I have thought about this for the past few days and its so hard on me but I just think right now it something that I have to do. You mean the world to me my princess and you will always be my princess and no other person would ever be called that by me. I love you with all my heart and thats not going to change either. I do wish that I didn't have these missing feelings princess. Please just give me tonight and we can talk about this in person in a day or two. I love you princess, always know that."

We talked in person and cried like babies over this. He is still telling me he loves me and needs and wants me in his life. He bought rings 2 months into our relationship but never asked. He is still texting/telling me that he loves me and misses me. Still a chance for us? We have know each other for over 20 years. We went out as friends for a year and had been together for 7 months. I have 2 daughters and he has 1 that does not live with him. He is still planning things with us as a family and we are even starting to go to church together.

We have talked about it and he cannot answer what is missing. He looks me straight in the eyes and tells me he loves me and it is not a sister/friend love, attraction is there, not bored, chemistry is there. He said he started feeling it when his granddad passed away a couple of weeks ago (he has also lost his dad and a brother early in life). He does have ALOT of stress in his life (has MS, making time with his daughter, a mom holds a house over his head, ex wife with a house still in his name, granddad passing away, complete shoulder replacement, turning 40).

Biblitz replies:

Children must come first, and this relationship of yours, while not great for you, is about the worst thing you could do to them. Life is HELL! for kids when custodial parent mom relinquishes control to a guy who imperils the family by placing her on an emotional roller-coaster - even when he does so for a lot of sound reasons.

So listen to him! He's done his best to tell you tactfully that this is as good as it's going to get (no good at all!) probably for some time while he works out his issues as ONLY he can. Surely it's preferable that he do this stuff alone and away from kids, who would very likely catch unintended fallout. Very damaging! Very responsible of him to acknowledge this and seek to avoid it by asking for space. Give it to him! When he's completed the tremendously challenging work he needs to do to get his life with a disability in better independent working order, he may be better positioned to consider the relationship.

Apparently, you've done nothing wrong; the request for space is all about him. Great! Show him you've heard his plea for privacy by quietly removing your stuff from his house. Let him know you'd like your money back on the mutual understanding and agreement that now is not a good time for such a big-deal vacation together. Take the pressure off. Forget about romance for awhile. Right now, a quiet offer of continued friendship is best. Ultimately, it's a requirement if this thing is ever to progress/mature.

If kids ask what's happening, explain to them honestly that occasionally adults are faced with challenges that require special care and attention and that are best resolved privately, that you remain good friends while your friend attends to these challenges, reassuring them that certainly nothing they have done has in any way contributed to this vacation in the relationship. If you make the effort to make this all OK for the kids and it happens that guy works it out and next year wants to approach, they'll see that:

(a) sometimes there are problems in life, that
(b) just because you love someone it doesn't give you the right to unload all your karma on them, that
(c) problems are, in fact, solvable if you make a plan and, perhaps most importantly,
(d) romantic love, whatever that is, is far, FAR less important than doing what it takes to ensure one is able to live independently and responsibly. Business before pleasure, as it were.

Lecture complete.

teaman90
ladyReading

First Ladies of the Poster

The Gold Collection

Paperback
By Laura Gold

A variation of Fernand Gottlob's poster for the 2e Exposition des Peintres Lithographes featured in its entirety in First Ladies of the Poster, The Gold Collection by Laura Gold, p. 126.

The Future of Disability in America

Committee on Disability in America Board on Health Sciences Policy Institute of Medicine of the National Academies

Hardcover
Edited by Marilyn J. Field and Alan M. Jette

Our conclusions, as detailed in this report, entitled The Future of Disability in America, document the sobering reality that far too little progress has been made in the last two decades to prepare for the aging of the baby boom generation and to remove the obstacles that limit what too many people with physical and cognitive impairments can achieve. Disturbingly, many of the major recommendations contained in the two earlier reports have received little or no serious consideration, and they remain as germane today as they were in 1991 and 1997. This report therefore reiterates several still pertinent goals from the earlier reports and offers new recommendations that, if enacted promptly, could create a future in which Americans of all abilities and ages can participate fully in society.

After reviewing the state of disability in America, the committee concluded that although important progress has been made over the past 17 years in our understanding of disability, its causes, and strategies that can prevent its onset and progression, society must do more now before a crisis is upon us. The chapters in this report cover a broad range of critical topics, including the prevention of secondary conditions, the role of technology and universal design, selected issues in health care organization and financing, as well as the environmental context of disability.

Our society faces several fundamental challenges, which are highlighted within this report. Will this country commit to actions that will limit the progression of physical and mental impairments into disabilities and prevent the development of secondary conditions? Will society provide affordable the development of secondary conditions? Will society provide affordable and accessible health care and technological aids that promote good health and maximize societal participation for people with disability? Will society reduce environmental barriers for people with existing impairments? And will society demand that all levels of government invest in more research, the improved coordination of research, and the need for the enhanced visibility of disability-related research within our public research programs? The answers to these questions will undoubtedly define the future of disability in America and leave lasting legacies for future generations. (From the Preface by Alan M. Jette, Chair, pgs. xiv-xv)

... The trade-offs or choices that Americans make about future spending will reflect their fundamental values about the balance between community and individual responsibility. Still, it should be recognized that health, social, and other policies that assist people with disabilities do not only represent current transfers of resources from those without disabilities to those with disabilities - or from mostly younger people to mostly older people. Over their life spans, the majority of Americans will experience disabilities or will have family members who do. People may not realize it, but the support that they give today for policies that affect future funding for disability-related programs is a statement about the level of support that they can expect at later stages in their own lives.

This report underscores the growing evidence that disability is not an unavoidable consequence of injury and chronic disease but is substantially affected by the actions that society takes-in the public arena and in commerce and other private domains. Ultimately, the future of disability in America rests with Americans. (Summary, pgs. 9-10)