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ASK Biblitz about Divorce.

Love is a poodle's chance of attaining the infinite.

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How do you get over a divorce when you still have feeling for your ex-wife?

Dear Biblitz,

When we met she just had a divorce and we got married 5yrs.later she already had a 2yr old daughter that I raised and loved, we had a son of our own.well 10 yrs later she walks out on her family to be with her high school sweet heart . its been almost a year since the divorce and its the worst feeling ever .

When we met it was magic and we had the same expectations about life ,love,happiness somewhere it took a turn without a warning sign, there one minute gone the next, my son is 8 now and we have 50/50 custody, I don't know what to do because I want to move far away to ease the pain but my son,and she shows emotion towards me from time to time but doesn't want to try again. I still feel deeply for her because I know who she really is but at the same time the damage is done and Im, confeused do stay and try with her or move away? what can I do?

Biblitz replies:

Even after division of assets and so on, you're still enchanted? How unusual of you. What a loving soul indeed. This will serve you well. Clearly, you have a lot to give and the desire to give it. This is nothing short of a miracle. It's your gift, if you will.

Sounds like the only reason you stay in a bad place emotionally is b/c you can't get the marital breakdown to make any sense. Why not consult a professional to debrief on the relationship - what was good, what wasn't so good and what signs, if any, you might have missed. All one can do in these circs is try to learn whatever lessons there are in hindsight in the way of unhealthy patterns one might have and so on. Once you get whatever wisdom there is, you'll have some sense of completion if not closure, which will be difficult with joint custody of such a young child. Happily, a professional will help you with any shared custody issues, too, helping you come up with strategies to make the mtgs less traumatic. It's a good thing to do for the sake of the child, who is on the receiving end of some crazy-making fallout. The worst of it is, ex may not be finished yet. High school sweetie may be third in a long, long line of a prisoners taken by this misguided marital crash-test dummy. Child is probably going to need some help if he doesn't already


How do I instruct an attorney regarding divorce in Ontario, Canada?

My husband and I have been married for less than a year (Jan. 27) and together for 3.5 years. We have no children. The house is in his name and the upstairs is rented out to two tenants that I have always managed. The mortgage is paid by their rental fees. We share one vehicle, that's breaking.

I have put in a call for some legal advice and am expecting a call back within the next 48 hours. I'd like to know what kinds of questions should I ask? And, if any of you have been through a similar situation, I would appreciate information and advice that you may have. What are my rights? What are his rights?

We have decided to part ways. He refuses to leave 'his' house

Biblitz replies:

Put together a file of recent tax returns along with anything, anything, ANYTHING indicating your contribution to the asset(s)/ household and so on. Anything that gives your atty an overview of assets and expenses. Also, if you've been talking about going back to school in the course of marriage, sign up today! If you do, there's a good chance he'll have to contribute toward your education.

Be thinking now of the future without him or his money. There will no doubt be some sort of division of assets and/or spousal maintenance, but maintenance is not indefinite so you want to do everything you can to ensure the assets are divided fairly right up front.

Leave your emotions at atty's doorstep before entry. This is business! Also, remember that each time you call atty, the meter is running. Attys, after all, have only their time to sell. Do NOT look to a lawyer for counselling/therapy srvcs. Ask up front what the reporting obligations are in a typical divorce file so that you can manage your expectations accordingly. You don't WANT an atty calling you all that often, trust me. Clarify at the beginning of the relationship how and when you expect to be informed of developments - i.e., a phone call if further documentation of some kind is required. Less time is less money.

Also, any agmt you reach with ex in advance of proceedings means less time, money!


Do you ever feel you married the wrong person?

I've been married 8 years and though that my husband really was ambitious but never got the right opportunities in life. Here we are this many years later and while I regularly try to improve on education and career for our family. he has yet to take literacy classes. He basically reads at a 5-6 year old level. Initially I wasn't but now I feel embarrassed because he's done nothing to help himself. I try to get him help and he just continues in his dead end job all the while complaining. Pretty soon our 5 year old will figure out his dad can't read, which isn't the worst part but that he's not doing anything about it. Naturally my husband is super sensitive about it and blows up at me for nothing at all just because he's insecure about his inability. I feel like he's using me to vent his aggressions when it's not my fault. I feel I deserve more in a husband not just someone to host their own pity party day in and day out.

Biblitz replies:

Are you certain of the reasons why he has declined to learn? Has he been tested for learning disabilities, for instance? If not, help him arrange this with the local school board. There are now legions of people with this problem and happily there is plenty of help available. If, however, the problem is simply inertia, you'll have to decide whether you want to make it a major issue significant enough to risk a parting of the ways.

Kids love it, too, when parents are learning alongside them. It tells them education is important at every age. Pursue it as aggressively as circs allow. Reading is such a tremendous liberator, it would be a shame not to!


How can i get divorce if my wife does not live with me and I don't know where she is?

We got married in a civil court in Ecuador - not the United States.

Biblitz replies:

It's not quite as simple as the previous answer suggests. You must be certain of the marriage and divorce laws in both jurisdictions or spouse may reappear and make a claim on your assets at a time when this would be inconvenient, to say the least. Pay the atty to obtain an opinion/strategy to ensure the final decree is in fact final both in the place you are living and the place you were married


Madam! Do not thumb your nose at a specimen for whom you did once, after all, foresake all others. The more amicable your parting, the easier it will be, especially on the whelps. And the less you'll have to rely on attorneys to draw up and secure those wrenching settlement terms!

On Division of Property - Matrimonial Home

When a marriage ends, the equal contribution of each person to the marriage is recognized. The law provides that the value of any kind of property that was acquired by a spouse during the marriage and still exists at separation must be divided equally between the spouses. Also, any increase in the value of property owned by a spouse at the date of marriage must be shared. The payment that may be owed to one of the spouses in order to effect this sharing is called an equalization payment, or an equalization of net family property.

There are some possible exceptions to these rules, which are called excluded property, and may include gifts or inheritances received during the marriage from someone other than a spouse, provided that the gifts or inheritances were not used towards a matrimonial home.

These automatic property sharing provisions only apply to married spouses. If you are in a common law relationship, you are not entitled to an equalization payment, but may be entitled to a payment from your spouse to pay you back for a direct or indirect contribution to property that he or she owns. These claims are referred to as trust claims.

Matrimonial Homes

The family home is a special place. It is where you live and where your children feel most comfortable. If you own your home, it may be the most valuable thing you own.

If you are married, both of you have an equal right to stay in your home unless a judge decides that one of you must move out.

Since both of you have a right to stay in your home, neither of you can sublet it, rent it, sell it or mortgage it without the other's permission. This is true even if your lease is in only one of your names or if only one of you owns the home.

When you separate, both of you may want to stay in the family home. If you cannot agree on who should stay in the family home, you can use lawyers, a mediator or an arbitrator to help you decide, or you may have to go to court to have the judge decide. An order or agreement for exclusive possession allows one spouse to use it, but not the other.

It may be that, after the separation, neither of you will be able to afford to stay in your home.

If you have children, the person who has custody of the children will most often be the one who stays in the family home with the children. This helps children adjust to their new family situation in a place and neighbourhood that they already know. (From Ontario Attorney-General Family Law link accessed Dec. 20/09)


The Discreet Charm of M. Sarkozy

From an interview with Nicolas Sarkozy by the philosopher Michel Onfray, published this spring in issue 8 of Philosophie Magazine. Sarkozy was elected president of France on May 6. Onfray is the author of thirty-two books,including Atheist Manifesto.

Translated from the French by Tobias Grey

July, 2007

SARKOZY: Take Celine , for example, who was capable of writing a phrase like "Love is a poodle's chance of attaining the infinite." Everything rings true in this phrase: love will make a poodle out of you, and yet it's an absolute infinity.

ONFRAY: Celine was a novelist who found an impassable, inimitable style, and at the same time could be read by everyone. It's not intellectualism on the Joyce scale, it's slap-bang in the people's tongue. He represents French genius - what is worst, too, like anti-Semitism. But he brings a language and a vision of the world that is at one with an era of mobs and crowds. (-- p. 24)