Biblitz delivers advise

ASK Biblitz about Divorce.


WELCOME!

Is my ex-wife crazy or what?

Hey Leo,

First off we have been divorced for over 2 yrs now(i left her).she has had a bf for about 2 yrs. a month ago she called me and asked if i had an extra booster seat.i said no.then she asked if i could find one,or buy one,even if it was used. i did not ask why because i knew she had a booster seat in her vehicle.anyways i totally forgot about looking for one.so today i called her about the children and she asked if i had found one yet.i told her that i was sorry and that i had forgot. she said well if you find one that would be great because her bf needs one for his truck.when she said that i was a bit well pissed.not because she has a bf.but because she has a booster seat in her car that she could use.i said nothing to her and hung up politely as soon as could.now why in the world would i buy her bf a booster seat for his truck,seriously. like i said they can afford one and or/like some people you just take the seat out and put it in the vehicle your going to use.what is your thought on this?

Biblitz replies:

She likes to call you and bug because she can. It gratifies her sick desire for power when she makes you jump! So stop jumping. Tell her simply that you find the request unreasonable and if there's nothing else, you've got somewhere to be. Then quietly hang up. Repeat as often as required, maintaining total control/calm and pretty soon she'll seek her jollies elsewhere. She'll probably get angry. If she raises her voice, lower yours even more and suggest you''ll be pleased to talk to her when she's calm/reasonable. Then hang up gently. This is a girl thing. This is what they do because a patriarchal culture doesn't offer them too much. If you're assertive but gently so, she'll stop.

TinyTeaman

What do you do when yor wife leaves you after 23 years of marrage?

Biblitz replies:

Once the smoke clears, it would be most helpful to make an appt with marriage counsellor/therapist (psychologists are very good for this) - just you alone - to discuss the relationship in depth - what went wrong, what went right and so on to see what wisdom you can take from it into the future. It will also be helpful to have this kind of support through the divorce to ensure private life doesn't leak into the often merciless public sphere - always a real and present danger and one that could have devastating consequences.The good news here is that a good and throrough debriefing will make it easier to part and - even better - it will give you some space to work on whatever it was on your part that contributed to the meltdown so that you don't set yourself or anyone else up by repeating the pattern.




Guys who feel utterly broadsided by a woman leaving - who honestly haven't a clue what went wrong - would do well to begin a journey of self-discovery with a French movie called La Crise, not hilarious as idiot reviewers suggest but a subtle and intelligent take on the mysterious notion, What Women Want. With an open heart and mind, you'll get past La Crise and make your way to The Next Thing, whatever it might be.

TinyTeaman

How do i get my wife to love me again?

Dear Biblitz,

We' ve been married for 11 years we have two lovely boys i thought all was well but when i came home from work yesterday she was upset so i asked what was up? she said she doesn't feel that she can have a physical relationship with me any more. I had a break down a year ago and hurt her we went to counselling on our own and together. We moved into a new house about 3 months ago and my wife passes her Realtors license and signed with a broker and started working for the first time in ten years the pressure to make your first sale is quite high about a week ago my work sent me no a course for 3 days away from home we text ed and skype the hole time i missed my family and just wanted to get back home she now says that she felt safer with out me because i had a break down .she said she cares for me but not in that way anymore she said she doesn't know if that will every change. I feel lower than after the breakdown cant eat cant sleep cant touch her for a hug feel like dieing please help me.

Biblitz replies:

She might come to love you again if you ask her not to make any decisions about the relationship for a few months, that you've each been through a crisis recently that has no doubt shaken you both. You'd certainly be unusual people if the challenge to obtain a shark licence AND a meltdown did not create some sort of earthquake in the relationship, so it's pretty understandable that physical intimacy takes a hit. Things have changed - roles, too, most likely - so it's normal to take awhile to see who each of you becomes in the new mix.

Your mission here is to put your own needs last. Tell her you're proud of her for achieving such a challenging goal and ask what, if anything, you can do to help her succeed in whatever way she defines success. Are there new (to you) household chores you might assume, for example, or might it be time for you to hire someone for this? Ask a lot of questions about her new goals and how she'd like her life to be now. Really listen and paraphrase her views to show you've heard. This is the first step to renewed intimacy - talking about what's really important and listening and hearing even if you don't necessarily like the reply.

The next step is compromise. Some of the things she wants you'll be able to do easily; others less so. What you want to show her here is a tremendous willingness and ability to put her needs and desires first as a reward for sticking with you thus far through a meltdown that must have been quite scary for her, too. Acknowledge that but, at least for a few months if not forever, keep your therapy to yourself. She's no doubt overwhelmed with that stuff. Let her sift it quietly for awhile.

Once you've built a bridge based on good faith and a best effort to show her how important her life/goals/career are by picking up the slack, you will probably have established sufficient intimacy to plan a quiet night at home in which you create a simple dinner, play soft music and ask her about her hopes and dreams for the upcoming week/month/year/decade. Be strong enough to show her you're prepared to hear about a future without you in it. If you can do that successfully, she'll know she's truly free and that you're her liberator - not her jailer. From there, it can only improve! You can do this! The good news is you have a LOT of history together and most of us prefer to protect a long-term investment.



Jesus Was a Capricorn

Kris Kristofferson

Audio CD

Featuring Nobody Wins, a Biblitz favorite by sad-sack Kristofferson, who nursed an over-achiever's giant brain while leaning in for a good, deep inhale at the pickle barrel - too deep, some might say. Not Biblitz, though.

Nobody Wins

By Kris Kristofferson

Any more it doesn't matter
Who's right or wrong
We've been injuring each other
For much too long
And it's too late to try to save
What might have been
It's over
Nobody wins

Make believin in forever
Is just a lie
And it seems a little sadder
Each time we try
'Cause it's a shame to make
The same mistakes again
And again
It's over.
Nobody wins

We've gone too far too long
Too far apart
The lovin' was easy
It's the livin' that's hard
And there's no need to stay and see
The way it ends
It's over.
Nobody wins

Even better:

Ol' Blue Eyes Is Back

Frank Sinatra

Audio CD

In Biblitz's view, Frank's best.

La Crise

Another classic by French filmmaker Coline Serreau

DVD

A Biblitz favorite for love's biggest fools. Drink deep, boys. Take it like a tonic. Serreau must beat them off with a stick, the lucky devil!