Biblitz delivers advise

ASK Biblitz about Appliances.

We have not even bothered to name this high-priced miscreant, who howls mightily as he grimly sets about his task, leaving a fine spray of coffee grounds across most of the kitchen every morning without fail.


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Crapdoodle, Biblitz! Everything mechanical in the house is ka-put. Any advice regarding replacements?

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See also Housing - Condominiums, ugh!, and Real Estate generally - single-family, condo, co-op, highrise, low-rise - selecting the lesser evil in today's pro-investor, anti-consumer market.

Biblitz replies:

Begin with the premise that these appalling energy-swillers are never designed by the people who use them - just as old houses typically feature tiny, windowless, counterless kitchens! Add to this the criminally wasteful notion of planned obsolescence along with Murphy's law and you've captured the art of appliance design fully! Lower expectations accordingly while we await stiffer consumer protections. In the meantime, here are product reviews of a few Biblitz winners and losers:

The Winners:
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Cometh, the Refrigerator (as in The Iceman)

Maytag frost-free post-2000, a massive thing that rumbles rather too boisterously but far enough away from living and dining areas to be tolerable. Unhappily, it sports the typically brain-dead design decision to place less used freezer on top while forcing poor old Biblitz to bend painfully all the way down to access fruit and vegetable drawers, which would keep produce fresher if only the rest of the houshold would replace it there. Capricious tendency to freeze anything at the back of the fridge, and, alas, freezer door shelves though pleasantly substantial in heft will not accommodate the weekly jug of Hendricks or Absolut in an upright posish, so costly necessaries are ever in peril. Such defects would not be forgiven were it not for the thoughtful inclusion of a biggish cheese drawer, which broadly accommodates the Biblitz penchant for le fromage purchased most often in super-sized Costco wedges. (Here be cheap pricks!) Pebbled exterior is a snap to clean. Easily the biggest fridge in the Biblitz stable, and if big is good, when it comes to fridges, bigger is better.

Jaws, the Vaccuum Cleaner

Miele S4 Contour, whose cord is not as long as his predecessor's, nor does his wand conveniently extend, but we simply attached the old one instead, which also has a rather better floor brush. Happily, parts for most tho, alas, not all Miele vacs are interchangeable! No hard feelings. The predecessor, a Series 10, was more than 10 years old when the motor began rumbling and juddering rather menacingly. Unfortunately, replacing it costs almost as much as a new machine, a policy that makes no sense in the wake of global warming. Happily, the new one is smaller, lighter, quieter and less expensive than his predecessor. The Miele website is also one of the most efficient! Considered replies appear at lightning speed. Miele, as we suspected, should only be serviced by a Miele dealer. Incest is best, it seems, for these excellent vacs, which nevertheless fail to improve in any appreciable manner such a mordantly dull domestic task.

Vegas, the Toaster

Cuisinart Countdown Metal 4-Slice model with electric blue neon counters to display the amount of time remaining for Vegas to complete his mission to toast each pair of bread slices according to Biblitz's stern directives. The bread is invariably crisp on the outside, moist and soft inside. Vegas does everything a toaster should do taking up half the space of his predecessor, a loathsome, obese T-fal Avanti 4-slicer that only briefly provided the full 4-slice service. Even in those halcyon days, it did so only half- heartedly as if its arrogant French designer neglected to alter Euro electrical settings. T-fal non-stick fry pans were also duds quickly scrapped in favor of Lagostinas. Self-destructive Biblitz nevertheless selected a T-fal electric cordless kettle recently - not Speedy but his shiftless younger brother, Jose Gonzales. The jury's still out on Jose. More later as events unforld.

Bubbles, the Dishwasher

Maytag Jetclean Super Capacity Quiet Pack. Big yes. Quiet no. Bubbles is a confirmed sex shouter in the tradition of heroic tenors of Wagnerian opera. At any setting, he hums and moans first lustily then mournfully. Distance is nothing to Bubbles, who sings to the the rafters that the whole household may cease all enterprise to revel in his strong emotions. Excessive controls for temperature and drying, too. All wholly unnecessary. Generally, though Bubbles is a plodder, he performs his one task adequately and has done so reliably for some time without repair. A wealthy friend with a Miele gloats, of course, but old Biblitz saves his shekels for better things!

kitchen

Kitchen monsters chez Biblitz a la Andy Warhol Jean-Michel Basquiat Stoves.

According to the book, By the end of his life Andy Warhol had become one of the leading mass-media personalities of his day and a touchstone of superficial contemporary social mores. But this should not blind us to his earlier seriousness and creative achievements. Certainly his career as a fine artist after the mid-1960s was uneven, but that seems inevitable, for between 1961 and 1966 the painter had explored most major aspects of modern experience and consequently had not left himself much else to add. (-- p. 238)

What an extraordinary claim for rather pedestrian art but perhaps no more extraordinary than some of the warranty claims for the worst performers among the Biblitz household weaponry!


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The Losers:

T-fal Avanti 4-slice toaster

This gilded lily layabout took up half the counter and performed only half-heartedly for about 11 minutes. It was swiftly replaced by Sears, bless them, with another of the same model, which was only slightly better. For most of its intentionally brief life, only two slices were operational. The bagel baking button was equally ineffective. The toast seemed more microwaved than toasted. A dud!

Breville cordless kettle

Wooed by the brushed steel finish and siren blue light when in the on position, Biblitz succumbed foolishly to this cheapster, which never quite conked out but began the caprice of switching itself off mid-boil. The household handyman is attempting a repair but Biblitz is not hopeful, hence the purchase of Rumbles, a young T-fal Express kettle on whom the jury is still out. Again, please check back for updates!

Blenders both Kitchen Aid and Proctor Silex

After just a few short years of moderate use, the motors simply give out. For a few weeks, there is an unwholesome smell of burning rubber and plastic when the thing is in use, then the now familiar death rattle. Spend lots of money on the Kitchen Aid model or a small fraction on Proctor Silex, it matters not. The motors lack pluck and endurance.

DeLonghi Coffee Bean Grinder
TeaMan90
We have not even bothered to name this high-priced miscreant, who howls mightily as he grimly sets about his task, leaving a fine spray of grounds across most of the kitchen every morning without fail. Various implements are also required at intervals to cajole the beans, which seem to despise the hideous thing as much as Biblitz. Household handyman removed all electronics so the thing is now either on or off. Don't mess with Mr. Inbetween, as the song says. Adjustments were made to enhance performance, and they have, but at a price. One must now apply onself with to the lid with full body weight during the grind or face an eruption similar to Iceland's volcano. There is no multi-tasking with this kitchen fiend and, strangely, no alternatives in the same (cheapish) price range.