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How should I be dealing with this? My husband has started becoming more feminine in appearance?

Leo, my friend,

My husband has had an enormous amount of trauma in his life.He was repeatedly raped between 5 and 6 by a family member. He was abducted when he was 9 for a three week period and sexually abused during that time. He has been through forty foster homes some which were abusive. He has been sexually assaulted at least 8 other times in his childhood and once during his adult life in which he was stabbed and is now incontinent because of. He was institutionalized for a three year period at which time he was made to dress in girls clothing for over two years. This happened because someone hid girls clothes under his mattress numerous times and upon discovery this was his punishment. Upon discharge to another facility he continued wearing girls clothes for another year until which time he ran away.

Now my husband is an amazing man. I love and support him as he does me. My problem is that he is exhibiting feminine traits and they are escalating. His hair is longer and six months ago he got his ears pierced. His eyebrows are shaped more femininely and now has acrylic nails. He wears women's clothing albeit not overly feminine as of yet. But it is noticeable to me and some friends. Even people from work have commented. Women so far are the only ones who have commented on the clothing and most likely it is because we are more attuned to fashion than men.

My husband has frequent nightmares in which he relives the horrors from his past. I know there are complicated reasons for why he is acting and dressing the way he is. The obvious part of it has to do with the three years he lived in dresses and skirts etc. This would be difficult for any one person to overcome. I also know that after a period he accepted what was being done and stopped fighting it. I know that parts of him liked the clothes. But there is also a part of him which because of the sexual assaults and violence upon his manhood dislikes being a male. This comes up in his nightmares in which he cries out a lot and even though we have talked about it he doesn't acknowledge this.

My husband and I have been to numerous counsellors previous to this. Most of the counselling dealt with the trauma pieces. My husband is tired of counselling and doesn't want to go again. I understand his hesitation. Counselling is very intense and also expensive. So I have taken to the internet and online forums and online counselling to try and get some help and some answers.

I want to be supportive of my husband. But I am concerned about the changes and how to deal with them. One friend says that I need to make him decide what he wants. If he wants to wear women's clothing then that is what he will wear. If he wants to wear men's clothing then he can do that. She says he needs to decide one way or the other and then stick with it.

I am unsure of what to do. I do not want to lose my husband.

Biblitz replies:

Start by speaking to an atty with experience in litigation involving sexual abuse and public authorities. The state's culpability wherever you live for failing so grievously to protect your husband from harm suggests it also has some responsibility to help both of you deal with the consequences. Fear of legal action might compel authorities to have husband placed on a priority list for state-of-the-art advice/treatment. You, too, as determined by the adviser(s).

Biblitz would be pleased as punch if the state would reward you with a free pass on taxes for the rest of your natural life for exhibiting such saint-like patience and commitment. He would also like the state to provide husband with a medal of honor of some sort for soldiering so bravely on.

There is no doubt a great deal of information on transgender issues today that might assist here. No doubt a qualified practitioner would have access. While one can understand spouse's reluctance to continue treatment, surely he's noticed the distress his latest frills, if you will, are causing you. And if atty is able to get the state to pony up as it certainly should, you will have at least a chance to resolve the matter. Without proper advice, I'm afraid, you'll have no chance at all.
If the ASKBiblitz research team digs up anything on transgender issues with application to these facts, he'll post it here. Please check back for updates. To the research team: Snap to it, boys!

Until then, keep your chin up, old horse, and have A Few Quick Ones for courage!

teaman90
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